10 days to go

10 days before I fly out. Having made the decision to come off the pill, I’m actually functioning at somewhat near normal emotional levels again. Which is to say, I’m finally getting nervous, scared, excited and stressed. Finally. The pill really seemed to have taken away any normal kind of emotions, just leaving me with a heavy depression and emotional fragility that I more associate with Ruth as a teenager, rather than Ruth in her (late!) thirties. But I'm glad to have that Ruth (the grown up one) back now. Phew.

Still not expending much energy on thinking about what the experience will be like. It’s possibly the first time in my life that I’ve not done that in fact. Possibly because I’m more consumed with the many day-to-day tasks which need doing.

I have been thinking though. Although I wasn’t actively looking for a job, when I saw this one advertised on the website, my immediate thought was “that’s my job that is”…. And so it turned out to be. And yet… well, I’m quite happy with my life in Manchester. I have a good bunch of friends, a fairly active social life, a good, stable homelife, two lovely cats, a nice routine. I’d started to learn salsa and enjoyed my course on mindfulness at the Buddhist Centre. I was progressing with the guitar and was even looking to do a few open mic spots in the Autumn. I haven’t been desperately trying to escape – unlike other people that I know who’ve been looking for a big life change. So what exactly motivated me to turn all this upside-down for a year in a country that I’ve never been to, doing a job with more responsibility than I have now, in an environment where I’ll be way out of my comfort zone? I love diving. I want to be more active in saving the planet. Obviously they were big motivators… but still, it seems like a huge shake-up to my happy life. There’s no question of me NOT doing the job, but I’m still intrigued as to why I feel the need for such a big life change. I’m also intrigued to see what’s going to happen to me! What will I be like without my home comforts? Without my favourite foods. Without hummus. Without being able to flop in front of the tv at the end of a hard day. Without being able to phone my best mates for a moan when things aren’t going well. What will I miss most? How will I cope without phone contact with my family and friends. Without the extensive, intimate emailing relationship that I have with my cousin in America? (hello Sally)…. It’s back to basics… I’m not scared about losing all that’s familiar. Okay, I’m a bit nervous. But more than that, I’m curious… I’ve been living with immediate access via email, phone or mobiles with friends and family for the past ten years. I’ve begun to rely on all of the mod-cons we have the luxury of having here in the opulent ‘West’…. So I’m curious to see what’s going to happen when all of those things are taken away from me.